I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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