The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
