If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
