how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
