you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
