you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
