i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
