i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize