Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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