When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
