On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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