Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
