i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize