I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
