Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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