I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
