I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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