I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
