this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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