We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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