I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize