It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
