finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
