my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
