I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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