Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
