it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Every concussion has its silver lining
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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