do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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