Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
