ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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