hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
