Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
