a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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