if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Congratulations! We have a period
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