Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
