Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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