how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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