Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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