i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
