you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
