I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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