I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
