Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
