I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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