You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
