everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
