Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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