I heard we made out
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
