took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
