my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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