Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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