Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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