put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
