If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
