Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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