Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
