Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
