can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
