i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
