What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
