I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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