my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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