I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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