I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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