Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
