Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
