you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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